I’m an awkward person. I get that. And today I think I discovered the cause of my awkward personality: the fact that 55% of the people I meet don’t get my name right on the first try. This is awkward for me because usually I wait awhile before I correct them or I wait until someone else corrects them; and when they are corrected after calling me the wrong name for a significant amount of time, an uncomfortable silence/nervous laugh follows immediately. Like I mentioned before, this happens quite a lot and, surprisingly, I have been called a number of different names:
- Matty/Mattie (I really don’t get this one since it’s usually a nickname for MATT)
- Katy (that’s my mom’s name and sometimes her co-workers and friends call me that)
This post is dedicated to the employees of Starbucks
because they seem to be the only ones who get my name right;
and they give me iced green tea.
For the past month or so, Cincinnati has been experiencing a very mild winter. Surprisingly, I am not forced to walk to class looking like the Michelin Man with two hoodies and a winter jacket. While some may blame global warming or “the end of days”, I, on the other hand, know it means one thing: The Bachelor is back, baby! So here, my friends, are my thoughts on week two:
- Stereotypical fly over of beautiful landscapes, welcome back, Bachelor.
- I appreciate that producers decided to expedite the process and get right into a one-on-one date. I’m really not interested in listening to the women say how they’re “not here to make friends” or they “want Ben all to themselves”. Heard it before, over it.
- Kacie B., like your shirt. Also, never saw anyone talk about twirling batons so seriously. But, hey, find your passion, girl.
- I admire Ben and Kacie for their fearlessness; normally, I would need to know a guy’s mother before I hold hands with him.
- “Ben needs a haircut” count: 1
- You don’t need to play minute long “coming up on this episode” segments before every commercial. You have been whoring off a man to 25 women for 16 seasons, just assume that the same lonely female viewers are sticking around.
- Kids writing a play — adorable; making the women act — redundant
- Psycho Bitch #1 – Courtney
- Psycho bitch #2 – Blakeley (side note: she says she is a “VIP Cocktail Waitress”, that’s like the classier version of a prostitute for politicians and athletes.)
- I’m beginning to realize how exhausting this is just watching it.
- Random thought, but, I am sitting in my bed, alone, at 10 pm eating chips and I am confident that I am not as pathetic as some of these women.
- “Ben needs a haircut” count: 2
- I’m constantly amazed by how many of these women cry every episode because someone said something mean. You signed up to live in a house with 25 other women who are vying for the same guy, you can expect passive aggressive bitches.
- Ben keeps saying the day felt normal and I can actually relate to him; a day without my camera crew is freaking weird.
- Courtney has very broad shoulders in that sweater.
- “Courtney makes me think big picture.” Little picture – She’s a model, she’s pretty. Big picture – I’ve known this girl for three days.
- “I feel like the other girls know Ben a little better than I do.” – Lindzi, I can assure you that you guys all know him about the same amount, unless you include the inside of his mouth, then you’re a little behind.
- Every time Jenna speaks, I feel uncomfortable. But, hey, rep Cincinnati!
- Brittany looks just like Aimee Teegarden from Friday Night Lights.
- OMG ROSE CEREMONY
- “Ben needs a haircut” count: 3
- Wait, is this the last rose of the night??? If only someone could come out and tell us!!!!!
- Buh-bye Jenna; I look forward to next week’s episode with fewer meltdowns and awkward conversations
Winners This Week
Kacie B and Nicki
K-Y Intense lube commercial – making people uncomfortable for years
Losers This Week
Whoever named Kacie, Lindzi, Blakeley, and Lyndsie
A lot of people always say that jr. high is the awkward stage in everyone’s life. Most middle schoolers have braces and glasses and they’re in that in between stage where you can’t tell if they’re a youthful midget or a very mature looking toddler. Then there’s the awful clothes. Like Sketchers or light-washed jeans that are too short. At my jr. high, the botched haircut was the big thing; on Monday morning there’d always be a different girl sporting a truly horrible hairstyle. On top of these unfortunate circumstances in the looks department, the hormones are flying and all anyone can talk about is Seven Minutes in Heaven and who dry humped who at the school dance (yeah, I went there). See, awkward times.
For most tweens, idolizing celebrities takes the sting, figurative and literal sting (talking about you, pimples), out of adolescence. For the sluts or “loose chicks” it was Britney Spears. Guys looked up to Peyton Manning… or some other famous athlete (OJ Simpson?? I don’t know, I don’t follow sports). And the “flamboyant” kids adored Liza Minnelli (I don’t get it either). Looking back I just wish I had Liz Lemon to look up to during those dark, dark times. I know she’s a fictional character but she is just awesome and here’s why:
- She is obsessed with food – Liz loves food; I love food. Therefore, we are one in the same. And it’s not just that she loves food, Liz isn’t afraid to admit it, something I find refreshing in world where girls fill their Pez dispensers with laxatives.
- Liz embraces her awkwardness – She isn’t afraid to be awkward, she owns it. And she dances like a boss.
- She is a nerd – Anyone who dresses up like Princess Leia to get out of jury duty is a nerd. Love it.
- Her vocab – “Ah, blerg!” “Shut up, nerds.” “Shark farts!” Genius writing, people.
- She looks like Tina Fey
Bottom line: Liz Lemon is real and not afraid to show her true colors. This is lost on most people these days.
There is nothing more funny, and pathetic at the same time, than Liz belting “Maybe” from Annie all alone in her office.
Today’s (2/25/11) Activities:
- Saw Blue Valentine – I just want to go cry in my room and slit my wrists to feel anything but my aching heart… Good movie, though. Kind of a downer. But Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams were at their best. If Natalie Portman wasn’t nominated for Best Actress this year, I would be rooting for Williams.
- Ate two yogurts… but then had a large Icee at the movie – I’ll start my diet next week.
- Words With Friends app for iPhone
- Yes, Mom and Dad, I went to class today
- Walked home alone. At night. In Clifton. – Okay, it was 9 p.m. And I was wearing my Rape Prevention outfit (jeans, big sweatshirt, hair in a ponytail, gym shoes) which kept the potential assailants at bay. I also pretended to talk on the phone. It worked.
Things That Baffle Me:
- The world’s fascination with the Royal wedding – Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally tuning in on April 29th. I still don’t get it.
- How cashews are grown – Is it a tree? Bush?
- Why more people don’t watch Parks and Recreation
UPDATE: Just Googled it. Cashews grow on trees.
Things I want to see:
- Natalie Portman, Amy Adams, Christian Bale win in their categories
- Jesse Eisenberg and Emma Stone win in their categories, surprising everyone – in a perfect world they would win and John Krasinski would be my husband (nothing to do with the GG but I just wanted to put that out there).
- Michael C. Hall, Mark Wahlberg, Ryan Gosling – I just want to see them, period.
- Tina Fey, Amy Poehler – just because they are hilarious and I love them
- Modern Family wins Best Comedy
- Eric Stonestreet wins Best Supporting Actor
- Aaron Sorkin wins Best Screenplay – The Social Network had a flawless script
Things I don’t want to see:
- Glee wins Best Comedy – just no.
- Chris Colfer wins Best Supporting Actor – please.
- Ke$ha – I’d rather not see her at all for the rest of my life.
Yeah, try and tell me that you don't want to wake up to this every morning.
I can see your faces now. What the frack is Barnhillism? Well,
faithful followers Mom, it’s my own philosophy. Ya know when you’re sitting at the local indie coffee shop reading Nietzsche’s Beyond Good and Evil for the fourth time? And you suddenly realize that maybe these inventions of moral consciousness are all overrated. And his theories of existentialism and postmodernism aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. And you’re like, “Uh, Freddy, I do NOT agree!”….. Yeah, me neither.
Really this all started senior year in high school in philosophy class when I realized that it was the DUMBEST SUBJECT EVER. So to avoid stabbing myself with my mechanical pencil, I decided to make the class a complete joke (sorry, Mr. Vanags, but the only time I took the class seriously was when you let me write a paper on my faux philosophy). It only took a couple days to realize that I was a total genius. And the rest is history.
So really, Why The Face (Modern Family anyone?)? IT’S NOT WEIRD! Trust me, if you like me as much as I do then you’ll love this blog.